Dear Julie,

After being cooped up for so long with my roommate I'm starting to feel attracted to her. Trouble is, she never leaves her room except to eat and watch "Once Upon a Time." What should I do? (I've thought about putting together a candlelit, romantic dinner with a fairy-tale theme and inviting her. Is that too much?)

Channeling Charming

 
Dear Charming, 

As Mae West so wisely said:

“Too much of a good thing can be wonderful.”

I have also learned over the years that over the top is where it starts, and subtlety is for chumps, but we will save those for another day.

I love fairy tales.

I always have.

When I was very young, The Little Mermaid was my favorite.

Not the Disney version where everything ends well and Pat Carroll KILLS as Ursula, but the Hans Christian Anderson version, where the little mermaid (that’s what she’s called by the way, as if that’s her actual name) rescues a handsome prince from a shipwreck, and she decides she’s in love with him. So, she goes to a scary witch for help and the witch demands her voice in exchange for turning her tail into legs so she can become human—which must hurt, like who can imagine what—but it’s worth it to her, EVEN THOUGH if the Prince doesn’t love her enough to MARRY her, she will turn into sea foam, which is fairy tale speak for DIE. And, in the meantime, he’s in love with some random princess that he THINKS saved him from the shipwreck because she was there when he woke up blah blah blah. And because our girl can’t speak and tell him she saved him from the shipwreck, he ends up liking her as a “good friend” and for some reason she does a dance at his wedding to this other girl knowing she’s going to turn into sea foam the next morning. Then her sisters come from the sea and all of their hair is cut off because they went to the witch and traded their hair for a knife, and if the little mermaid will use this knife to stab the prince in the heart, he will die and she can go back to being a mermaid, but instead of killing him she kisses him, flings the knife into the ocean and herself after it where she turns into sea foam, but doesn’t die, and instead she is basically transformed into an angel and she cries real tears “and then soars off on a pink cloud to bring happiness to others, especially little children.”

I mean...

Really?

Yes, oh yes really.

This does explain a lot though doesn’t it?

Oh right, you don’t really know me, but trust me, THIS explains a LOT.

Some of my other favorites include Snow White and Rose Red, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, and Help I’m a Prisoner in a Chinese Bakery by Robert Klein.

As for a candlelit fairy tale themed dinner, that is genius. GENIUS I tell ya!

You could get really specific like roast pork (to represent the boar’s heart the Huntsman brings the Evil Queen in place of Snow White’s) and an apple galette with red AND green apples. Cleverrrrr!

Or a complete tasting menu of tiny plates in honor of Thumbelina.

But like, really tiny.

Like, everything is served in acorn shells and tulip petals tiny.

Or a Hansel and Gretel theme where all the food is baked in pastry.

Whatever you make, you can’t go wrong.

Cooking for or with someone is the height of true romance as far as I’m concerned. 

Your roommate will feel special and cared for.

And hopefully, if it’s meant to be, you will become more than “good friends” as time goes by. 

Yours in hopes of Happily Ever After,

(Whatever that may be)

Love,

Julie